Boundaries That Connect
Boundaries That Connect: How to Stand Firm Without Pushing People Away
Everyone has been talking about boundaries, not letting people walk all over you, and saying NO when you aren’t a fuck yes. But this energy quickly becomes divisive when what we actually want is to come together in a way that feels safe and good. Sometimes we need some extra thoughtfulness around us from those we care about. Too often, boundaries are seen as these rigid walls—lines in the sand that separate us from others. But what if, instead of walls, we imagine boundaries as bridges—pathways of connection that clearly communicate your availability, needs, and desires while offering others a warm invitation to engage in a way that feels safe, empowering, and aligned for you. When two people’s bridges meet, that’s where the magic happens—authentic relationships, deep trust, and mutual respect flourish.
That said, healthy boundaries are critical tools in overcoming people-pleasing and self-sacrifice as well as building healthy relationships. I really love this quote by Oriah Mountain Dreamer that says it best:
”It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.”
She’s basically saying it's best to honor your truth, even when it’s difficult.
The Emotional Impact of Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you’re used to prioritizing others over yourself. You might experience guilt, fear of rejection, or worry about how others will perceive you. This discomfort is natural, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Remind yourself: Honoring your needs isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect. The more you practice setting boundaries, the more natural and empowering it will feel.
Healthy boundaries come with balance though, which is why I like the metaphor of boundaries being bridges so much. In short, we can use "boundaries" to protect our wounds and, in doing so, prevent ourselves from healing while we demand others work hard to prevent triggering us. This is bypassing our deeper work. While it is very helpful to have close friends and family be aware and sensitive to things you’re working through, it's not an excuse to stay stuck in your bullshit. Long-term attachment to protecting our emotional wounds will eventually lead to a breakdown in your relationships.
Boundary Myths & Reframes
Many people struggle with boundaries because of common misconceptions. Let’s clear some of them up:
Myth: Boundaries push people away.
Reframe: Boundaries create clearer, healthier relationships by fostering mutual understanding.
Myth: If they care, they should just know my needs.
Reframe: Expressing your needs builds deeper trust and connection. No one is a mind reader.
Myth: Boundaries are harsh ultimatums.
Reframe: Boundaries are invitations to engage with you in a way that feels good for both of you.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Here are some solid steps on how to set healthy boundaries, especially when it feels scary or challenging to do so, when you’re afraid to disappoint or receive a negative response....
Ask if they’re ready to drop in with you
Example: “Hey, I want to have a conversation with you. Are you able to drop in with me right now?”
This ensures the other person is emotionally and mentally available for a meaningful conversation.
Own the truth of what you’re feeling
Vulnerability builds trust. Acknowledge your emotions with honesty.
Example: “I’m really nervous and afraid to have this conversation with you because I love you so much. I’m excited to celebrate you at your birthday party, but I’m also afraid that what I’m about to say might make you think I care about you less than I do. I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
Create a space of connection and compassion
When you lead with openness, you invite the other person to meet you there.
Speak with kindness and curiosity rather than defense or accusation.
Don’t arrive with solutions
Boundaries are not about controlling others. They’re about expressing your needs.
Example of what not to do: “I decided I’m not going to your party and here’s what we’re doing instead.”
Instead, present your dilemma and invite collaboration: “I had a tough day at work, and sobriety is really important to me. I’m feeling torn about going to the party. I’m wondering what you think we should do?”
Don’t attach to the outcome
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean the other person will like it.
Their response is not your responsibility. Stay rooted in your truth.
Don’t wait until it’s too late
Avoiding difficult conversations leads to resentment.
Example: Waiting five minutes before the party to say you’re not going.
Give yourself and others time to process and adjust.
Be open to the mystery. Trust.
Setting boundaries isn’t just about the present—it’s about healing patterns that have existed for generations.
When we honor our own truth, we teach others to do the same.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about inviting people in—on terms that feel good for both of you. When you approach boundaries as bridges, you open the door to relationships built on deep trust, mutual care, and authentic connection.
Is this resonating with you? If you’re ready to dive deeper into healing emotional wounds and breaking free from old patterns, let’s talk. This is the work I love to do—guiding (mostly) queer men into deeper alignment with their truth in a sacred, transformative conversation. If you’re feeling the pull, reach out and let’s explore what’s possible.