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Exploring Your Hidden Desires
Have you noticed repeating patterns in your life that feel hard to escape? Maybe it’s relationships that don’t work out, financial struggles, self-doubt, or feeling stuck at work. It’s easy to think of these patterns as obstacles we’d never choose. But what if, on some level, a hidden part of us wants them to exist? This concept lies at the heart of Carolyn Elliott’s book, Existential Kink, which explores the idea that “Having is evidence of wanting.”
What This Means
At first, it may sound strange to suggest that we “want” the hard things in our lives. But Elliott’s concept isn’t about blaming ourselves or thinking we create bad situations on purpose. Instead, she invites us to consider how our unconscious mind—the part of us we’re not fully aware of—holds desires and beliefs that influence us more than we realize.
According to Elliott, repeating struggles often reflect hidden desires, beliefs, or needs we haven’t addressed. These “shadow” elements—repressed feelings, fears, insecurities, or old beliefs—shape how we act and think. They create patterns that may feel frustrating but are also familiar, keeping us in a loop.
How This Might Show Up in Everyday Life
Let’s say you often feel undervalued in relationships. Consciously, you might want respect and support. But underneath, you may carry a belief that you don’t deserve it. Over time, this belief can create patterns that reinforce feeling unappreciated because, unconsciously, it feels normal or “safe.”
By recognizing that “having is evidence of wanting,” we can start to explore these beliefs. This isn’t about self-blame but about becoming aware of what’s driving us. As Elliott points out, we only shift these patterns by being willing to look deeper.
7 Principles of Existential Kink
Existential Kink offers seven key principles that can help us understand how hidden parts of ourselves shape our lives:
What You Have Shows What You Want:
Our lives reflect unconscious desires. Elliott suggests asking, “What part of me wanted this?”
Emotions Are Neutral:
Feelings like sadness or anger are neutral. Our reactions to them create discomfort. Seeing feelings as neutral can help us explore them without fear.
Growth Comes from Embracing Every Experience
Embracing all experiences, even hard ones, helps us grow. This doesn’t mean forcing ourselves to feel pleasure but reframing pain as a doorway to insight.
Joy Comes from Acceptance
Real joy happens when we accept life as it is. Resistance causes suffering, while acceptance creates peace.
Unseen Desires Only Get Stronger
Ignored desires don’t go away—they grow more powerful. Facing our shadow prevents these hidden drives from controlling us.
Shame Blocks Exploration
Shame keeps us from understanding our unconscious. Letting go of shame allows for curiosity and self-compassion.
Truth Leads to Freedom
Accepting our truths, even the hard ones, sets us free. Owning our story, light and shadow, brings liberation.
Using These Ideas to Create Change
Understanding “having is evidence of wanting” means being open to the parts of ourselves we usually ignore. For many, this requires shadow work—bringing hidden beliefs and fears to light. Shadow work helps us address and understand these beliefs, ultimately transforming our lives.
Here are a few ways to start:
Notice Patterns: Pay attention to recurring themes in your life. If you often feel unappreciated, ask yourself why this feels familiar or “safe.”
Identify Hidden Beliefs: Look for beliefs that might shape these patterns. Do you feel unworthy of respect or believe you must settle?
Embrace the Shadow: Rather than viewing your “unwanted” parts as weaknesses, see them as parts of yourself that need acknowledgment. This creates space for healing.
Seek Guidance: Shadow work can be challenging, so working with a coach or therapist can make the process easier and more effective.
Finding Inner Freedom
As you explore these ideas, remember: the goal isn’t self-blame but self-understanding. This journey can reveal why certain patterns exist and open up new possibilities. The idea that what you “have” may reveal hidden desires can help you uncover patterns and find a path forward.
Ready to Explore Your Shadow?
Curious about the patterns shaping your life? Having a guide can help you go deeper and more effectively uncover the hidden shadows that might be holding you back, so you can finally heal and start living a life you truly want.
Book a free session to start revealing the unconscious patterns running the show—and take a step toward the empowered, authentic life you’re meant to live. And of course, dig into Elliot’s juicy book, Existential Kink.
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